Friday, March 21, 2014

7 Days

I wrote an entire blog for today.  Then I took it down.  If you are a writer, than you will understand- I just can't write something that I don't feel.  There have been many times I have posted something I didn't feel, but I did it because this is a weekly post.  And not every single week is going to come straight from the heart- sometimes it's just going to be words on a page.  Good, but not great.  But I couldn't do that today.  Something about last week's post made me unable to write anything else.  If something else had come along, then I would have written it.  If something else had come into my heart or mind, then by all means I would have labored over it like I do most weeks, doing everything I can to perfect it until I have made sure to get my point across exactly how I want to.  But today I have nothing.

Today, I am stuck.

Stuck on last week maybe.  Stuck on the harsh reality that I revealed to you in all it's rawness.  A part of me felt like I was betraying last weeks post by writing a new one today.  I know that may seem silly, but it's the truth.  Every word I wrote came from the depths of a very hard reality that I live every single moment of- and sharing it in one emotion laced blog post didn't change on darn thing.  Even as I type now I am having a tremendously difficult time even getting my fingers to move.  I am counting down the very second until I can take my next dose of pain medication, the last one not even doing enough to get me to stop shaking.  So how, in my integrity as a writer, can I just go on writing about something else when this topic has not fully moved on from my heart?

The answer is, I can't.

I realize that I am tampering with my ratings here.  What none of you know (because I keep the ratings private) is that this blog is read by several thousand people every month.  Some weeks have been much higher, some much lower, but thats been the average.  I try not to look at numbers because that is not why I write. I write because I love the expression of my heart and soul by way of written words.   But I also know that for people to keep reading, they have to have something new to read every week.

This may blow that.

Maybe you will read this and realize you haven't really been reading anything.  And I am sorry.  I hope and pray that the Lord would move something on my heart for next week.  I tried desperately to "just write something" for this week like I am supposed to, but I have my limits.  Last week was one of them.  I showed all my cards last week.  And I am not ready to deal another hand just yet.

So I apologize.  There is a time to keep walking, I understand that.  But I have to listen to my heart as well on this one- because there are times to stand still and just respect what God is letting you feel.  I'm not ready to do anything just yet.  I went back and read my last post and the tears were just as fresh as the day I wrote it.  Gotta respect that.

I am not here to entertain you.  I am not here to tickle your eyes or your ears.  I am here to write and to write unapologetically.  I answer to Jesus for everything, including a little blog.  Maybe He doesn't care whether or not I write- but in my heart I know I am accountable for every word I type- because you are reading these words.  And they have to mean something.  And if I can't stand behind them, then I have lost all my integrity as a writer and why the heck are you bothering to read my blog anyway?

Sometimes I write things because I post every Friday- so I think and I write something I believe to be worthwhile.  Other times God moves and speaks so powerfully that my writing is worth a good Sunday sermon.  I can take both of those.  But what I cannot take is writing anything today.  Just not today.  If you can glean a lesson from this, I commend you and even encourage you to look for one.  I just know I have to do what I have to do.  And I need more time.

Hopefully seven days from now there will have been something on my heart and we will meet again for a good read.  But one thing you can count on with me- I will stick to my guns on this blog.  I will be honest even to a fault.  I will hold to what I believe, and never settle for a ounce less.  There are pages and pages to go back and read if you are so inclined.  But as for today...well, seven days just wasn't enough for me to move on from last week.  So I'm not.

Selah

3 comments:

  1. Ashley, today's post is the exact reason why we keep reading. I think for many of us we read your blogs in hopes that even an ounce of what we read will somehow "rub off on us"- the steadfast faith despite the unyielding storm, the humility, love for people, and quite frankly the honesty. We desire to be for someone else what you are to us each and every week. So basically we don't read just for the words, but for your example of character. Thank you Ashley for delivering just that.

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