Friday, November 15, 2013

It's How You Live

I owe you an apology- I think sometimes I assume that between Facebook and life just happening that you are aware of changes in my life.  There have been two major changes that have happened and I should have talked to you more in depth about one of them.  It really just happened very fast, and kind of got lost in the shuffle.  The first change is kind of fun and was one of my own choosing:

                                                     
Yes, I took the plunge and for the first time in my life, decided to give blonde hair a try!  So far I'm feeling much more bold and much more sassy. Love it. :)


As for the other major change, this one was not of my choosing.  When I started this blog I was the stay at home mom of 6 kids that homeschooled and that was a big part of what I talked about.  But my health really has taken a sharp decline- I am much weaker then I used to be.  I use my cane when I am going to be out for an extended period of time, but the truth is I am almost never out for an extended period of time any more.  I spend most of my time sitting,  laying down or resting.  The pain I am in is constant and to the point that relief is almost non-existent and we are looking into other options to find some level of pain management.  I simply was physically unable to continue homeschooling.  We very quickly found a small private Christian school and because Jeff is a pastor and because of my health issues, they gave us an enormous discount on tuition and we were able to send both boys there and will probably also be sending the other kids there next year as well.   

Huge change.  Huge adjustment.  It all happened within a few days time and I had little to no time to adjust.  I went from having my kids home with me every day since they were born to having them take a little private bus and leave me all day.  Heart wrenching?  Doesn't even come close to describing it for me.  But I did what I had to do.  I got alone, I reached out to people I am close to, and I got through it.  

I have been asked how I have such a good attitude through all this. I don't think I am anything special..honestly the same character trait that makes me bored in church is the same one that gets me through hard stuff in my life.  I just get bored.  I do not do well harping on things.  I see no value or amusement in sitting in my tears watching the world go by me.  I cried- oh yes, I cried.  My heart got and still does get ripped out occasionally.  But I move on.  I just cannot sit in my misery- it's not me.  I will keep going because it is not in my nature to mull around.  One of my kids said to me the other day "Well mom you lay in bed a lot and are sick most of the time so you are not really a parent anymore, dad is the parent now."  Talk about pain.  My heart got torn in that moment- but I didn't stay in that moment.  Why?  Because I got bored.  Same reason I get bored sitting for more than an hour during a sermon or while I read the bible.  It's also the same reason I blast music in my car and lip sing to it or throw candy on the floor and watch my kids scramble for it- because I want to smile more then I want to cry.  Because sitting in my pain not only hurts but it looses it's luster after a while.
And I was built to laugh.

Within each of us lies a choice.  The choice to cry or the choice to laugh.  The choice to fight or the choice to walk away.  The choice to fall or the choice to stand.  But make no mistake they are choices.  You know some of my story- the story I have made public, but you do not know the entirety of my life.  There are many statistics out there about the different hardships and scenarios a person or woman might go through in their life- I have lived almost all of them.  So excuse me when I speak firmly when it comes to making these types of choices.  See me as you will, but I do not speak from ignorance.  When I say you can choose to fight I say it from the battlefield, not from behind a computer screen.  Know that.

I just choose life.  I live in the same world you do.  I see what happens when other choices are made.  I choose to stay feminine and whole.  I choose to say open and give and receive love.  I do not want to become a closed-off, hard, bitter version of myself.  I do not want to be a shade darker- a worldly, broken version of all that I once used to believe I could be. Because that is a choice. A choice to believe that things must always stay the way they are.  That the pain I have been caused will always be caused to me again and again- and I do not believe that.  I will choose love and hope over and over again no matter how many times I get broken and crushed…and the result of that choice is that I will never remain broken or crushed.  

That is why I still smile.  

It's my choice.  It's your choice.  I cannot choose what happens to me out of the gate.  I did not choose to lose #1, but whether or not I lose #2, #3, #4…..#9, #10.  That's ALL ME.  And I will not lose things I do not have to lose simply because I am angry or upset over the turn my life has taken.  

It's funny, I actually wrote this blog last Friday, immediately after I published my other one.  I have had these thoughts in my head for months, and I realized I needed to update you all anyway so my fingers just started flying as my heart poured out.  Since I wrote this blog I have had four separate conversations with four different people throughout the week on this very topic.  I guess it's just the right time to talk about choosing.  

I was at my friends Bill and Erica's house the other night- he is the Youth Pastor at the church my husband works at, and she is the worship leader there.  We all have been in ministry together a long time, even going back to the days we ministered in Albany together.  We are all very close friends and I went over to their house to borrow a movie and we just got to talking about life and ministry, and then he asked me how I was doing mentally with all that has been going on with me.  I answered very candidly, that while it does threaten to overtake me at times, my head is still above water- I choose to laugh, cry and move on.  Then he said something to me that was right to the point, which I will leave you with today:  He said "Every day you should both laugh and cry."

Absolutely.  Every day.  Sometimes I forget to cry, but I never forget to laugh.  So go ahead, it's ok to cry at what you have lost and it's ok to do it daily.  Just remember to laugh daily as well.  And then remember to keep. on. moving. forward.  There is so much more yet to be lived.  And unless you are dead, YOU'RE STILL LIVING.  So live.

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