Friday, August 16, 2013

Sing O Barren One

I wanted to talk to you about what a wonderful time I had with my family this week, but I just can't put this post off any longer.  I have been waiting to write this...waiting for Jeff to be ready, waiting for my own emotions to surface- and maybe even thinking that by not talking about it that somehow it would change.  But it hasn't.

I am unable to have any more children.

I have known for several months now, but only have told a few people I am really close to.  I will never lie when writing, and sometimes that means I have to put off talking about something until I am really ready to go there.  This has been one of those things.

Honestly I have not even begun to deal with this yet.  Sometimes I am emotionally numb and other times it hits me out of nowhere.  I will never be pregnant again.  I will never create life.  I will never again go through the life changing process of laboring and birthing a baby.  Every stage I go through with David will be the last time I ever go through it again.  I was not prepared for this...I did not have any clue that he would be my last, and I feel like I never got the chance to have closure- to go through each experience with the knowledge that it was the last.  It has just been very hard to accept this.

When the discussions started coming up about my ability to survive another pregnancy, I simply had to check out.  Intellectually I knew that the doctors and my husband were correct- I am aware of just how physically unstable I am.  But emotionally and even spiritually, I was unable to reconcile this decision.  What about my belief in letting God control the size of your family?  Do I still believe that?  Yes.  No.  Yes...I don't know.  I just don't know.  I have been so humbled this past year- I am beyond thinking I know anything outside the sovereignty of God.  I have learned simply that I do not have all the answers- that maybe God knows and doesn't always reveal all, and that He is the One who leads and guides each one of us uniquely.  I gave this decision into the hands of my husband...and he, as the head of our household, decided that our family is complete.  I fully support him, and I am fully broken.

I realize that there are some of you reading this who cannot conceive children of your own.  This must look so selfish to you, and I am truly sorry if you find yourself in this position.  What can I say?  Of course I am grateful for the six beautiful children I have been given and I know just how blessed I am to have them.  But having many children does not take away the aching desire to have one.  I gave up everything to follow Jesus, and willingly poured myself into childbearing because that is where He led me.  Maybe I focused too much on having kids that I took my eyes off of the Creator of those lives.  I don't know.  I just know I am hurting.

I have lost so much this past year.  I feel like I have nothing left...nothing left to give and nothing left to be taken.  It hurts to have this ache so deep inside- it hurts more then the physical pain that consumes me every moment.  I think it hurts so much because it's the process of dying to myself...all this stuff that used to matter is just nothing to me now.  But despite the pain and the inner aching there is this very deep and very real rawness that I have decided to pursue with singleminded determination.  The day I gave my life to Jesus I knew I wanted nothing of this world- nothing.  But that doesn't stop the world from pulling and diluting, and while I lived a very devoted life, I still have my own junk inside.

There is a lot that is born of suffering if you choose to see it.  There are times when I am physically unable to move my arms and legs properly.  There are times when I am laying on the floor and cannot stop myself from vomiting what little food I was able to eat.  Most days I can't even focus because of the pain that is wracking my body.  But when I read what I just wrote I feel like I am reading about somebody else, because while those things are true, it is not as it seems.  My story is not one of is a story of the unfailing faithfulness of Jesus.  That through the darkest of times He has never left my side.  I have been given the chance to put His goodness to the test...and I am able to know without a shadow of a doubt that He is good.  He is everything He said He is, and so, so much more.

I started typing without any real idea of what would come out.  I knew it was time to tell you why I have not gotten pregnant yet.  And I know that as time goes by I am going to be dealing with this emotionally and I need to be free to let it out sometimes.  So now you know.

Please don't feel like you need to say anything...I know how much love and support I have in my life, and I don't want you to feel like you need to say anything.  Pray for me.  Let me grieve.  Let me not know what to say sometimes.  And know that I love you and am so grateful for your constant support.  We are going to make it, friends.  I know it gets hard, and I know what it feels like to lose yourself in it all...but I also know the steady strength of Jesus.  He doesn't ever let go through what you have to, but don't walk away.  

Keep going...because I promise you that is my plan.

Minutes after my all natural, drug free birth.  This was the most amazing experience of my entire life.

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