Friday, August 9, 2013

Insecure

Tomorrow I am packing up all the kids and heading with Jeff to Long Island, which is where I am mainly from.  I am looking forward to seeing my family from all over and just having several days to relax.  As any of you with kids know, I am using the term "relax" very loosely because there is a good chance I will come home happy but feeling like I need another vacation, lol.

Getting ready for this trip has further awakened my already awake feelings about my condition.  It is still a strange feeling to have to filter everything I do through this new lens that is my life.  I have to consider the amount of energy it will take to make the 5 hour drive, even though I am not the one driving.  I have to take a look at the activities vs. the down time and make sure it adds up in a way that will keep me functioning.  I have to make sure I have enough medication.

It is a strange thing to have to consider things that normal people never even think twice about.  Yes- strange is the right word.  I am not angry, but it is weird.  I am always hesitant when leaving my normal realm because I do not know who, if anyone, really knows about my illness or to what extent it effects my life and that makes me a little nervous.  People who are close with me have an understanding of what I am like and see me on a regular basis and therefore know my physical limitations.  But to be around people who are not familiar with it, makes me more than a little self-conscience.  I was just talking with a friend about this...about how I was nervous being seen for the first time.  By all first appearances I look normal (well, a little war-torn from birthing 6 monkeys, but still relatively normal), but be around me for any length of time and it becomes glaringly apparent that I am not like the rest of the pack.  I love people and want to enjoy every moment when I am with friends and family- but I feel like I am watching from behind a glass, unable to really join in.  It's not a huge deal really, but it is certainly on my mind and therefore what you are reading about on my blog, haha.

I don't really have anywhere I am going with this.  Just musing with you.  Just kind of thinking out loud and trying to process some of these thoughts.  I must admit though I feel kind of like a loser for still being in the "processing stage" of this.  Like come one, it's been a while now so shouldn't I have accepted this already?  Am I really still sitting here being self-conscience over this?  Apparently, lol.  Oh well, some things just take time.  And sometimes you cover a ton of ground only to be met with another little piece you haven't hashed out yet.  And that's cool.

Really- it's ok.

I know we beat ourselves over the head sometimes for having that thought, or issue, or insecurity that just keeps getting all up in our business.  We make matters worse by getting mad at the fact that we still have not mastered this, but you know what?  Give yourself a little credit.  You can't control what you feel, only what you do about how you feel.  So maybe it hits you every single morning, that doesn't mean you are not beating it.  It doesn't mean anything, really.  This isn't a Lifetime Movie, so lets cut the whole "figuring this out, finding myself, working it out" nonsense and take it for what it really is.  If you wake up happy, awesome.  If you wake up not so great, address it and do what you gotta do.

I love you all.  I enjoy talking to you and I pray that God would show you just how loved and amazing you are.  By His hand you were meticulously made- and God does not make mistakes, nor does anything take Him by surprise.  So live your life for Him and make each step count.

Be blessed.  :)


PS- Just in case it appears like I always take my own advice, let me just say that's not the case.  Writing is great because it opens a lot of avenues for thought, but actions are a totally different thing! I struggle.  I really do struggle sometimes.  I am very insecure right now because of the way I look, and walk, and how weak I am, and the medication I take, and the pain and the shaking, etc. etc. etc.  I am not myself anymore and that scares me sometimes.  I struggle.

I just felt like I should tell you that.

2 comments:

  1. I thought there should be a comment for the depth you shared. Thank you for letting us in your inner world for in doing so you help open up ours

    ReplyDelete