Friday, July 19, 2013

This is What it Means

Im not really in the mood to frill around, not that I ever really do.  I'm going to talk really, really straight with you today.

This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life.  No, I am not doing good physically.  And no, they do not know what is wrong with me.  Every test comes back normal, yet here I am- feeling like death.

But that's not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about God and where the heck is He?  And why is it that after I have lived most of my life in dedication to Him, He has not healed me?  Ever hear these questions asked before...ever asked them yourself?

I never have.  Not for one single second have I wondered where God was.  I have had times where I did not know how to approach Him, or times where He seemed distant, or even times where I was unsure if I really wanted to keep walking this path.  But questioning His faithfulness?  Never.

Is it because I am some super-human woman of faith?  haha- what a joke.  My faith is not strong enough to move mountains.  I am no pillar in the christian world nor an example for anyone to look up to.  I am nothing...but I know who He is.  And I know who I am in Him.  

Times of trials are often times where people lose their faith and turn away from God.  They are hard times where you feel like everything you ever knew was a lie, and God Himself a liar.  To that I would say this- consider that maybe you do not have a true understanding of who He is.  That the reason God failed you is because you set demands on Him that did not belong there.  That you changed who God is.  God did not fail you; you failed to really know God.

I was never promised health.  So when I got sick there really was no reason to blame God.  I was never promised an easy road.  So when things hit the fan, I do not feel betrayed.  What was I promised?  That neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate me from the love of God. 

He has kept His promise.

His love is what has sustained me.  His love is what kept me when all else was raging out of control...when I rage out of control.  His love has never wavered, nor has it failed me.  And if you are still confused about what love is, let me help you out:  Love is patient and isn't jealous, does not brag and is not arrogant.  Love is not rude and does not seek it's own advantage.  It keeps no record of wrongs.  Love always bears, always trusts, always hopes, always never ends.

Oh yes, He has kept His promise indeed.

I however, have not kept mine.  How many times over have I failed to truly love Him?  How many times have I thrown my hands in the air, along with everything I hold dear, only to turn around and expect God to still be there waiting for me.  The amazing thing is that He is. Always. There.

So no, I do not question God's goodness.  I do however question my own.  I may not know why this is happening and I may even be angry that it is happening.  But never for one second to I question the very essence of the One who is all things good in my life.

"This is what it is to be loved, and to know that the promise was when everything fell- we'd be held." -Held,  by Natalie Grant

**So Jeff read this yesterday and informed me that he felt like he was getting yelled at while reading this, lol.  Yes, it may be a little choppy and it may be a little edgy, but I assure you it was not my intent to be harsh.  In fact, I was not mad when I wrote this- but I was determined.  Determined to keep the record straight on who God is.  Not even for you- but for me.  These pages are the writings of what is deep inside me and sometimes I just need to say it.  Plainly.  Without literary wrappings or tied off phrases...and that's all this was.   


  1. Your determination came across, loud and clear. I did not feel yelled at.

    Maybe because I've been there, stating things in a determined voice, only to be told hey don't yell at me.

    You go girl. Thanks for being so honest. We are all a work in progress.

  2. Have you ever asked Chris about me? I SO feel you. are gifted and talented. As a biology teacher who has no qualms telling my students evolution is a theory and living things DO change over time but Science does NOT explain all and my belief is in God for humans...I have come to realize God has chosen me. For the good and the bad HE knows you. I don't have much to give anymore. But I pray for you often. You are SO RIGHT about "miracle cures" - so SMART!! Someday...bring your wonderful fam and Chris to our beach and we'll talk. Arrange it in advance even if we have to cancel a dozen times due to health. NO WORRIES as you youngsters say :)