Thursday, July 4, 2013

Sacred Me

I had a wonderful fourth of July yesterday.  Jeff and I took the kids to my in-laws' house, where we hung out with family, went swimming, played bocci ball, ate BBQ food, talked, and watched the Mets lose after 15 innings.  It really was one of those days where everything was easy and enjoyable.  I had to stop and rest mid day, but I really did enjoy myself.  I laid in bed with that sun-induced fatigue and content feeling.

I always thought I was a very open person.  I mean, in many ways I am an open person.  I will socialize with complete strangers and will pretty much talk to my friends about any topic under the sun.  I don't shy away from personal conversations and have no problems airing out my flawed life for all of you to read.  But despite all that, there is a place in my heart that is immensely private.  It's where I go frequently to "be alone."  As honest and open as I am with others, this is a part of me that will never come out.  In it I hold things that are most dear to me...people, thoughts and feelings whose depth would be cheapened anywhere else but deep in my heart.

I think.  I think a LOT.  I can be in the middle of a loud gathering enjoying myself and yet will eventually find myself retreating to my depths, whether to think or simply enjoy the view from inside.  It is sacred space.

I have a couple of very dear friends from college that I have spoken to recently.  We kind of have this open door, revolving connection that I know will always be there.  Recently one of them came to visit me and we went out for lunch and I remember practically breaking out in a sweat at the thought of going out alone with her.  I realize how ridiculous this sounds, but hear me out.  I love people. I love big groups, and talking and laughing.  But being one-on-one with someone who occupies a place in my heart is terrifying.  I cannot hide behind my social self, because she knows me deeper.  Yet at the same time I could not just sit there staring at her, which is what I really wanted to do.  Not because I am a creeper, but because there are some situations where I do not want to speak- I just want to watch from my private little place and enjoy the sanctity of it.  It is not me withdrawing- it is me connecting in the deepest way I am able to.

Being the friend that she is, she allowed me to be weird.  She did not expect me to act normal.  These friends of mine tell me that they love me and I know they mean it because I know they are saying it under oath- they now the truth of who I am.  They know the me beyond me.

I will let anyone into my life- I truly love people.  But I can count the number of people on one hand who I have walked into my heart.  I love these people with a ferocity that goes beyond words...because there are no words that would ever capture it.  And maybe it makes me awkward at times.  Maybe I stare silently to the point of appearing completely absent, when in reality, I have never been more present.

I am not even sure why I am writing this.  I can't really find a way to turn this into something that could even remotely relate to you.  But I feel like it deserves to be written.  Even if only to give me one more way to properly respect it.  Sometimes we need to testify to the things that make us who we are- the things that really make us.  The things that set us apart and shape our thoughts and our lives.  I used to try and make something out of my inner sanctuary- try to express it and explore it and make sense of it. But time has brought wisdom and I no longer do those things.  Instead, I accept and appreciate what I have been given.  I do not see it as a fault or as something to be evaluated as to it's purpose.  I have it.  It is a part of who I am.

It is me.

So I embrace it.  I live it.  I understand and respect that it is a part of me and I use it to it's full advantage, storing up thoughts and feelings that deserve to be preserved in their original integrity.  I watch people and situations, watching and observing with intensity because that is what I am inclined to do and I don't want to change that simply to try and fit into a prettier version of what others think I should be like.

So be you.  Find your quirks and your strengths and your depths and do not be afraid of them.  Stand back and respect them, because they were given uniquely to you in order to help you be who God created you to be.

“Your sacred space is where you can find yourself over and over again.”  -Joseph Campbell 

1 comment:

  1. "I am what I am, and that's all that I am." - Popeye the Sailor Man.

    A life lesson, learned early on. Who knew Popeye was so spiritual?

    Life is filled with unique possibilities, not perfect copies. Thank you for being you.