Friday, June 14, 2013

Voices In My Head



Sorry about Tuesday…my computer is actually still being repaired but I love you all so much that I rented a computer from Rent-A-Center for the week!  

I have had both a great week and a horrible week.  My family came up for the weekend and we had such a wonderful visit.  My son graduated preschool and I think he is finally ready to start homeschooling this year which I am very excited about.  My dad did a few handyman projects around my house and took care of some things that I really wanted done but don't have the time/energy/skill to do!  So in many ways it was a great week.  Physically however, it has been pretty rough.  I felt myself getting worse this week, and between that and the busyness of it all it was just too much.  The pain has taken over and I am immobile right now.  Jeff has taken off work and is giving me the next 2 days to lay in bed and hopefully that will be enough to regain some physical capabilities.  Thank you for always asking me how I am doing- I really hate to share when it's this bad, but it is also kind of an outlet for me…not to mention it's the truth so what else am I gonna write, lol.

But I have had something on my mind lately and the timing is perfect.  When my illness gets this bad, I struggle a lot mentally.  I feel like a failure as a wife and mother and I feel like a burden to my husband.  I also can't shake the frustrating feeling of helplessness- I am not a side-lines kind of person.  If there is a problem, I like to meet it head on and bust right through it.  But there is nothing I can do with this- no amount of exercise or will power can fix this.  I need to slow down and rest...which in my head that gets translated to being benched.

Last week I talked about the woman in the Bible whose son died.  I talked about how important it is to know that hope is never dead- that it may sleep, but it will wake up.  There was another part of this story that I did not talk about but was just as important as the first.  In 2 Kings chapter 4, we remember that a woman's son has just died.  The woman believed that Elisha could do a miracle and immediately set out to find him.  As she was approaching him in the distance, he saw her and sent his servant ahead to ask her if everything was ok.  When the servant came to her, she said "It is well."  Her son is dead, but she tells him all is well.

Huh.

A little confusing.  Did she have such an abundant faith that she truly was not upset in the least?  I don't think so, because once she gets to Elisha the Bible says that Elisha notices that her spirit is vexed.  So why tell his servant that all is well?

Because she was protecting her heart.  Because the voices that you choose to listen to really matter.  Because not everyone, everywhere, at every time should have access to your inner thoughts and feelings.  We need to be careful who we expose our problems to, because the voices we listen to are the voices that get inside our heads- for better or for worse.

I listen to bad voices.  Not from people, but from myself and from the enemy of my soul.  I open my heart and my hurt to these voices and am met with feelings of doubt, indecision, and worthlessness- certainly not the voices of Truth.  You have to be very, very careful about what voices you listen to.  Sometimes you have to be on guard around people and even in your own mind.  Not everybody needs to have access to your weak spots because not everyone speaks in wisdom and in truth.

I think she withheld her soul from Elisha's servant because one discouraging word from him may have been her undoing.  Sometimes you are on the brink and the slightest thing would be enough to push you over the edge- that is when you need to pull your coat a little tighter around yourself in protection and wait until you are in the safety of a trusted friend or in your prayer closet.  "Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."  Don't open the entry to your soul to just anybody.  Guard it fiercely.  Take your matters to prayer and to the Word.  Learn the difference between truth and viscous lies.  Pick up your sword and use it- even against yourself.

So here I am laying in bed unable to fight physically, yet surrendering mentally.  We need to remember that there are many ways to fight a battle and just because one side is down does not mean you raise your white flag.  You cannot control all of the situations in your life.  Things happen.  But your heart and your mind are worth protecting.  Jesus is always there in the still small voice speaking words of Truth, but you need to fight off the noise around you in order to hear Him.  

I'm gonna tell you again not to give up.  Don't give up- not now, not ever.  Find what you have left and fight for it.  You will be amazed at what you still have inside you.

************************************************************************

It drew me in, so subltey

with all it's sweetness and lure
I was fragmented and looking for something to make me whole.

It called be, beckoned me
My feet moved rhythmically, dancing to my pain
and into the aura of that sweet smell

My dance slowly became my pain
but I could not get my feet to stop
I wanted to move and whirl and feel the wind
No matter that I danced into chains

Keep moving…
Move fast enough on this short leash
and I can still feel the wind.
Faster, faster..don't stop

Twisted, tangled, broken.
I am not dancing any more.
I spin, I twirl, I feel the wind..
But I am not dancing.
I am fighting.

Stay my heart, lest I fall into despair. It's so dark
How did I get here?
How free I was before!  
I was unguarded and deafened to music that was already playing
and the sweet scent of where I was

My feet once moved freely, 
songs flowed from my heart
I want to move again and dance under the sun
If my feet but reach freedom, I will never again
dace to another tune. I will take heed to whom I run.

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