Friday, June 28, 2013
I sat down to write this blog with the full intention of writing about a particular topic. Let me give you a hint- it wasn't going to be about how happy things are right now.
Jeff asked me if I get sick of writing the same type of stuff over and over. I know what he means, because let's face it, my writing doesn't really talk about flowers and sunshine a whole lot. In a way this bothers me, because I like variety and every once in a while I feel like I should be a little more, um, happy sounding. I don't walk around in a black cloud, nor am I always intense- I am actually quite silly and I laugh all the time. This time in my life has just been so difficult and so dark that I find myself needed to sort it out on a regular basis. Sometimes I vent, other times I need to make sure that you and I remember that we are going to make it.
But right now, I just want to give thanks.
I believe in the power of praise. I believe that no matter what EVER happens in my life, I have something for which to give thanks. It would be a real shame for me to go through the desert having never given thanks for all He has done for me. I may be in darkness, but one sure way to shine some light- even if only for a moment- is to remember all the things I have worth fighting for.
I am so grateful for my husband and children. I love them so much and am so grateful to have them in my life. They are my family the reason I am able to keep going on certain days. I am thankful for my new house which was everything I wanted and even some things I didn't realize I wanted. I am thankful for being surrounded by people who truly love me and who are there for me- constantly supporting me and praying for me as I face this illness. I am thankful that I can be a part of ministry and having a hand in reaching others with the Word of Jesus. I am thankful for the ability to go to church and worship freely.
We always have something to give. No matter how dark and desolate, or no matter how stripped everything seems to be from us, we always have something to give. In my pain and in the worst moments of my illness, I am still able to give. I am still able to use my voice to tell of the things He has done. I am still able to count my blessings. Many times I have thought that I simply have nothing left to give- but that is only when I stare my mountain in the face. If I take my eyes off the looming mountain and look two feet in front of me, I can make out the stream, and the air, and the beauty of the haze. It may be small, but it is beautiful- and it will sustain me when I begin the climb.
But that is not all I am thankful for. All of those things can be taken away. Maybe some of you have had some of those things taken away. If I ever be left truly with nothing, I still would not be able to keep silent. I have the one things that can never, ever be taken away. Though the earth be consumed with fire, this I can never lose.
I met Jesus.
I was ten years old and was living in Florida at the time. My parents sent me and my sister up to NY to visit with some family right after Christmas. While we were visiting, one of my aunts took up to a Christmas play at a church. It was nice, but I don't remember thing about it...all I remember was the end. At the end of the play the pastor got up and began talking about Jesus. I remember my heart nearly stopped. Time just froze because as he talked I knew that this was it. This is what my soul had been searching for. That even at the tender age of ten I knew I was not reconciled to God and that was the very reason my soul was created. I waited eagerly for him to lay it out for me- no more searching, no more wondering, no more uneasiness in my soul. The second he finished I ran out form my seat, not even looking to see if my aunt, sister, or cousin was there...I ran to the altar. I ran to Jesus.
That was the first day of my new life. I have never been the same. My life I live for something so much bigger and so much greater. Though I lose my very life, I can never lose my soul because it is safely in His hands. If that isn't reason enough to give Him all of my heart and soul, then there will never be a reason. I will serve Him until I take my very last breath, fully confident that I will see HIs face when all is said and done. I need to make sure that my life mattered. That His life was not lost for the vainness in mine.
Yes, I have much to be grateful for and even if just for this one moment, it will sustain me. I don't believe that this hard time will last forever, In fact, I feel God moving as I have told you before. But regret is a powerful thing and I not want to look back on this season and think of all the time I wasted.
Time I could have been giving Him praise. Because I have a reason to praise and if you know Him, then you do too.