Thursday, March 14, 2013


I'm going to dive right in today with a pretty deep thought.  I have something on my heart...actually, it is more of a realization I had during this season of my life.  There are many words I could use to describe the past 3 years of my life, but the one that stands out lately is this: humbling.

My whole life has been characterized by a drive- a drive to do better, to be better, to excel.  It is my blessing and my curse.  It keeps me pushing forward to be the best I can possibly be, but at the same time, there is this fear of falling short.  I have taken this element of myself and applied it to my relationship with God.  I have always pushed hard to follow Him the best I could, all the while struggling with the fear that I was letting Him down.

This lead me to be a very black and white person.  I always saw God and His principles as black or white, never really accepting any gray.  I struggle with being judgmental of myself and therefore others- not so much out of a bad heart, but more out of fear.  If I left room for another persons convictions, then maybe that meant I was accepting a lower standard and that somehow I was falling short of what God expected of me.  I set a bar so high that even I could not reach it, all the while believing that was the bar God expected of me.  And all I ever wanted was to please the Lord the best I could.

This season of my life has shattered everything I thought I knew.  It has brought me to my knees and caused me to question everything I ever thought about God.  With the exception of His existence, nothing was off limits to my questioning.  I was taken out of my own black and white prison and left in a sea of gray, all the while judging that gray to be wrong.  Slowly I have begun to open my eyes and see the liberating reality that I do not know as much as I thought I did- in fact, I am realizing that I really don't know anything.

Don't get me wrong, there is plenty that we do know.  I know Jesus and His love, I know the Word, and I know God's faithfulness.  I am talking about the mysteries of Yahweh that even the authors of the Bible could not comprehend.  I am talking about the way the God of the universe comes down and meets with His people personally and individually.  That I am not to be judge or jury to another person's walk with God.  That I am not to be judge and jury to my own walk with God.

I think convictions are good and Biblical.  I think standards are a great way to keep your feet steady and your life honorable.  But I think we need to be very careful to know the difference between law and bondage.  There are things that are Biblical and absolute, and there are things that the Lord leads us to personally...and those things are there for our freedom, not our bondage.  I allowed myself to be held captive to standards that God never intended for me to chain myself to.  They were there for a season, but I wanted to hold them for a lifetime.  It is easier to hold onto something tangible then to walk in faith, believing in the evidence of things not seen.

I needed to be humbled.  I needed to have my beliefs shattered so they would no longer be an idol for me to serve instead of trusting in the Lord.  There is so much I do not know.  I am very slowly learning to be merciful with myself rather than judgmental, and I know that that will spill over into how I view others as well.  I am starting to see the loving, merciful, and patient side of God.  I am starting to see that Jesus died to reconcile me with God- he tore the bar down, knowing that I could never live up to it.

It is a slow process.  I am grateful that He is humbling me, no matter how painful and humiliating.  It only means I am drawing closer to Him.  And as always, I a so grateful that He is continuing His work in me.

"Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens--what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave--what can you know?  Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea."  Job 11:7-9

1 comment:

  1. This is awesome! So true, I'm right on your level with this, its a life process to learn the grace and mercy and accept the mystery of God.