Friday, February 15, 2013
Line 'Em Up
I kept feeling like I had a lot to catch up on, which is weird because I have been posting regularly. But then I realized that there are a few things I should update that may have gotten forgotten over the course of the past week or two. SO...
About the house...well, it looks like a go, but I really won’t be jumping for joy until we close, which SHOULD be in the next 7 to 10 days. So yes, I am super excited but it is being tempered until I have the key in my hand! Also, I have been trying to do my praying at night before any other entertainment. I have been doing it maybe 60% of the time. I realize this is not stellar, but I’m working on it. Spending time with Jesus is just so important and I want to keep talking to you all about it so that I can continue to press in. And lastly, my health...it’s been a heck of a week! I have had a very bad week with my pain, and have officially been diagnosed by the rheumatologist with fibromyalgia. We worked out a treatment plan that I almost like, but wish I could do without daily medication. However, I am willing to give it a try so that maybe I can get some relief from this. I will also be trying some natural methods as well, and I will keep you posted on how I am doing with all of that. Phew, that's all for now...
Well that last part actually makes a nice segway into what I have on my heart to talk about today. Watching my health go downhill has taken me on a very different journey than I ever thought I would go on. I feel like I am 2 different people. On one hand, I am the “inner me”...the part of me that hasn’t changed- my spirit, my likes, my passion, my love, my family. Then there is the “outer me”- the part of me that is weak, tired, and always in pain. It got me thinking about duplicity and whether or not I was still “me”.
A lot of times in the Christian world we put a smile on our face whether we mean it or not. We ask each other how we are doing and we all give the same answers. We weep at the altar then do our best to clean up and put the smile back on. I am not saying that these things are bad- I am simply highlighting the fact that too often we THINK it’s bad.
I have heard people trying to encourage others to stop wearing a mask- to simply be who you are all the time and not try and cover it up. I think that advice may be a little too simplistic. It implies that when we smile on the outside while crying on the inside that somehow we are being dishonest. I disagree.
The truth is, sometimes black and white are both true. Sometimes we want to give our friends a smile and give God our tears. Sometimes even we are not sure which side is true- because maybe they all are. And that’s ok.
We are complex people, you and I. We are mind, body, spirit, and soul. We are experiences, thoughts, actions, and interactions. It’s ok if all these parts don’t always line up with one another...what matters though, what always really matters, is your character throughout your complexities.
If you act one way in church and one way at home, but only one of those ways are God honoring, then that is hypocrisy. It is ok to be going through difficult things and to wrestle with that. It is ok to not be entirely sure of everything in your life. It is ok for these things not to line up...but I encourage you to line 'em up with what the Bible says is pleasing to the Lord. I have a very hard time speaking kindly when I am in pain, but I need to work on that. I have a hard time going to prayer when I feel like going to sleep, but I need to work on that as well. There is nothing wrong with being confused and having emotions such as anger and sadness...but I encourage you to look at all the aspects of your life and work hard to make sure that while you are going through these emotions, your actions and heart are God honoring.
I hope I am making sense. I have no desire to try and come up with things to share with you...I only want to share my heart. I went back and read my interview with my sister that I did on Tuesday and I thought “wow, I sound so happy and upbeat!” I was in pain and agony that day, and yet I came across as happy. Does that make me a hypocrite? Am I being dishonest? These were the thoughts I wrestled with...and these are the conclusions I came to. I don’t have this figured out yet. I am still somewhat in denial about my health, and I have some more stages to get through before I learn to accept it...and that doesn’t make me a hypocrite. This is one part of who I am, but I have other parts. I really was happy when I did that interview. I really am excited to buy this house. I really am angry and in a lot of pain.
These things really do coexist.
But I don’t want to become a hypocrite to the Lord. My prayer is that in all my ways, all the time, I will acknowledge Him.