Friday, January 11, 2013

My Savior

Before I begin I want to thank all of you for your love and support.  Many of you have been praying for me and asking me how I am doing, so I am going to give a brief update before I share with you.  I have been to a couple of doctor appointments, and am being unofficially diagnosed with fibromyalgia as a result of the Stevens-Johnson Syndrome.  I say unofficially because I am going to see a specialist (rheumatologist) for some further testing to confirm it.  But I did begin treatment for it, which involves taking medication daily.  I am only a few days in, and I am having some side effects which they say can take a while to adjust to.  I won't really know if it is working for a couple weeks, but please pray for me that I can handle the effects and that maybe it will work!

Ok, now I want to share with you.  I was thinking about how "negative" my posts are, and I wanted to write something a bit more positive.  But I have said once before that I do not like my writing to be compelled.  When I started this blog, it was an invitation to simply look into the pages of my story as it is being written.  To try and conjure up something that I am not really experiencing would be closing off my heart, and this blog was meant to do just the opposite.  So I decided not to try and write something positive "just because".

But then something happened.

I can't say that suddenly the heaven's opened this week, but in all honesty, what I experienced this week was even better.  I had somewhat of a experience.  I was sitting down by myself and I just started thinking...and the thinking took me from where I was and brought me somewhere else.  I was in complete darkness.  Nothing else existed...there was no surroundings and there was no trace of the life I am living and any of the difficulties I am going through.  I was standing in sheer darkness.  And then Jesus was there.  I can't say I actually saw his face, but there He was.  And suddenly time suspended...everything just stopped. I was left alone with my innermost thoughts toward Him.

And I was terrified.

I wasn't terrified of Jesus...I was terrified about what I would feel toward Him.  When everything was stripped away and it was just me and Him, what would my honest thoughts be?  Am I angry with Him? Do I question His faithfulness?  Do I still trust Him?  Do I still love Him with all of my heart?  In that moment of suspended time I was truly afraid that my heart did not survive this ordeal.

But then it happened.  I looked at Jesus and I realized...I am still in love with my Savior.

After all these years, after all the hardships and trials I am still so incredibly in love with Him...and my heart still belongs wholly and completely to Him.  Even as a writer I cannot find the words to describe the peace in my soul or the love in my heart.  When you go through the desert you feel as if you have nothing left, especially in your heart.  You wonder if you have become bitter or fearful or broken.  You question who you are and who you are supposed to be and if you will ever see it.

But when you put it all down and get in the darkness, it's just you and Him.  And if you remember, that's how it all began.  When I first came Jesus it was a moment that did not involve anyone or anything was a place in time that was not of this world.  It was where I met Jesus.  And no amount of time nor any amount of trials can EVER make my heart not belong to Him.

My God, how I love my Savior.

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