Saturday, March 13, 2010

Day 6

Last night I went to a fellowship dinner for a ministry that I am involved in. It was great that I went, but the food was exceptional (I know because of who cooked it and how it smelled!). I felt physically weak, but very spiritually strong. There is such a power and strength from this.

I am just getting ministered to all the time. This is truly the first time in my life that I am able to just sit back and get blessed by God. You see, I have some issues with gifts...I don't like people doing nice things for me, because I don't like feeling indebted to anyone. I prefer to have the scorecard even, or with me having done more. When my husband gets up in the morning with the kids there is a part of me that doesn't like it because then I feel like I owe him. i cannot simply receive. But with this fast God has made is so abundantly clear that my only role it so fast and follow His leadings...the rest is for me. He will pour out on me, He will bless me, He will change me. It is like being at a spa...getting massages, facials, manicures (even when I had that done one year for a gift I felt weird letting people do all that for me)...but this time it is God working from the inside out and I can do nothing but accept and be blessed. It is wonderful to be able to receive from the Lord without feeling like I have something to do with it. Free gift. Period.

Physically, I feel so very empty and a little weak. It is hard to sleep at night, I seem to be very awake. i finally slept in today and was able to really sleep for a while...probably because the kids have kept me up most nights this week! But laying down in in bed at night I can feel that I am not ready to sleep. I am mentally awake but physically a little weak.

I feel like something special happens every day...yesterday I got a book in the mail. It may seem small to you, but it was a wonderful surprise to me! My friend Kristina asked for my address a few weeks back b/c she said she had a book for me. I totally forgot until it came in the mail yesterday! I LOVE to read and haven't has a new book in a while, so this was especially nice since I am fasting. It is called "Desperate Pastor's Wives"...haha. I actually finished it last night. It was so great to be in a book! The Lord is so good...I mean, really, really good. Not only does He orchestrate an entire 40 day fast for me, but He even gives little gifts along the way. This is amazing.

Will keep you posted!

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