Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Day 1

Well ok, it's actually day 2 but I just created this blog account today!

I am embarking on a 40 day fast. There, I said it. Somehow putting it in writing feels as if I have sealed the deal. I feel a little more accountable and will be blogging my journey.

Day 1 was insanely difficult! The first day of fasting is always hardest for me, mainly because I love food! I eat out of habit and enjoyment more than any other reason, and that it why day 1 is so hard...I just want to eat! It's not so much that I am hungry, but that I just want food. Food makes my day enjoyable and I look forward to eating. Life ahead seems to unenjoyable because I won't be eating. Haha...sorry for the way that sounds, but it's true!

I guess I should write about why I am doing this. Well, my husband decided a few days ago to go on a 7 day fast. When he said this, I immediately told him I wanted to join him. He has things in hie life that he wants God to move in, and I would like to support him in that and pray for him. However, I feel that there is a lot more going on for me. Yesterday I felt a very strong sense of need...the kind of need that presses deep into your soul and you feel as if you cannot stop until God moves. I feel the way I imagine Jacob must have felt as he wrestled with the angel.

I need some answers. I need some healing. I need some depth. But I really just need. With such a deep need in my heart I really can't be specific. I know that praying and fasting with a specific prayer need in mind is good, but this is different. I have never fasted for more that 4 days, but I have always wanted to do a 40 day fast...and now I feel as if I can't resist. I don't know what this fast holds, but I know that i am going into with with a very desperate need for God.

It is only midday today, day 2 of the fast so I dont have much to say. I want to eat. I have counted the days until I can eat again...April 16th. It has been so difficult to be cooped up inside with the kids all winter, but Spring is almost here and I hope to be outside with them very soon! Hopefully that will help with the days.

I have not told my husband about this, and am very reluctant to. It's easier to blog to complete strangers, because we don't know each other and thus if I fail I won't feel so bad! I hate failing and I hate giving up. I think i am just going to take it a day at a time as far as my husband goes. Maybe I will feel more confident in the days to come!

My day starts at 7am and the older 3 kids are in bed by 7/7:30. Then I clean up, feed the baby and put him to bed. By the time the night is mine, it is about 8:30pm. I am passed out by 10, and usually up once or twice a night between the four kids...someone usually poops, cries, needs water, etc. lol So I am very exhausted and have little time for prayer and reading...but what time to do have I will give. I have never been big into measuring my relationship with God based on how much time I spend praying and reading everyday...please don't misunderstand me, I know very well the need and importance of reading and praying. God is my God and I love Him with all that I am...and so I strive to give myself to Him wholly and completely.

I am looking forward to what God will do while I am on this journey, and I will do my best to share that journey with you.

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